i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
