you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
