I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
