some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just blew my weed a kiss
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
