Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
