I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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