Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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