i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
