I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
