just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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