I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
