There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
