I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
