Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
