listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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