matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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