Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
