If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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