I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
