Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
