i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
