i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
