DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my being single is dangerous.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
