so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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