mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
