They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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