I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
