Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
