she was so not down for the gang bang
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
its liver damage thursday
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