i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
