he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
