me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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