last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
