My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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