you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
