i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
