You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
