I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
