if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
