I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
They took my balls.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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