why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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