I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
