i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
