..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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