dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you would pick up someone in the library
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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