I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
