u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
ttyl tear gas
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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