i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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