Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
