Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
