I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
